Now I have heard on a very distant and vague grapevine (ie cab chat with colleagues... you start to scrape the barrel) that there are yet more plans to "re do" oxford circus. I will control myself before I get completely carried away with what constitutes "re-doing" in my book and what actually always seems to happen in reality.

Anyway, the point is that the rumour I heard was that they are planning to build a system for pedestrians like the one in japan. I.e everyone has about 2 minutes to cross the road and each time more people cross the road than have EVER DONE BEFORE. Strangely enough (or luckily enough, whichever) there are people who seem to find this sort of thing worthy enough to film and subsequently put on youtube so...: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGgfT4TG_k0&feature=related

Now this sort of system is apparently what is being planned for oxford circus.

I really wish I could just walk up to whoever had this brilliant idea and just put them out of their misery before it gets sadistic. I wish to follow the advice the government, my parents and society in general has been telling me to do my entire life and "just say NO". But of course, they won't let me. Bastards.

So my (long winded) point is, how can anyone who has ever had any dealings with the great British public assume that en mass we would be able to function in such a succinct and organised way.

Reasons why include:

1) The British love to jaywalk. We're all shit at it, but persist anyway.

2) London is one of the world's top tourist destinations...think of all the japanese tourists who come here, searching for something different! London is a place where they can try something new, like cross the road at a different time and point to the rest of the city. It's a bit out there, granted, but surely there is a risk of London's tourist industry being damaged by this.

3) To be as difficult and obnoxious is in our blood. For such a small little island we have to be upstartish and irritating in some ways, therefore, mass road crossing... just no. I can literally picture at some point or another every individual who crosses said road, stopping and thinking to his or herself "I'm not going to follow the crowd; I'm going to stand in the middle of the road, the masses will protect me..."

4) Just imagine the rage, we don't do patient

5) Without the opportunity for dodging moving vehicles, slow people and of course the epic movement of tapping one's foot whilst stranded in the middle of the road, we'd all get chubbier and chubbier until we became mass blobs rolling around the streets of London.

Possibly.

Anyway, it just wouldn't work, we'll have thrown away all the money on something pointless long before then. Whenever I see a photo of Boris Johnson I get the feeling he's plotting something along the lines of "Hum...I like cycling,let's build a giant statue of a bicycle with fountains and lasers".

Brilliant.