Shaun of the dead
Zombieland (the intro credits are not for the squeamish)
28 days later
The Walking dead (tv series)
It is actually because of the Walking Dead that I've been thinking so much about zombies recently. And also the reason I've not slept properly in a week and am therefore beginning to resemble a zombie myself. Brief introduction: Simon from Teachers/the guy in love with Keira in Love Actually, is not really pathetic and whiney (aka Simon from Teachers), nor forlorn and in love with his best mate as Love Actually might lead you to believe. He's actually a Sheriff from Georgia and he's pretty badass. He's also ace at taking out the odd member of the undead which wanders into his life having mistaken it for the canteen.
It's pretty straight forward stuff, end of the world, zombies everywhere fight for survival etc, but I would highly recommend it. The writing is excellent and there's the odd moment of black comedy to keep one's spirits up (although these do become few and far between as it goes on).
So zombies have dominated my chat of recent days, and it got me thinking about what I would do if, heaven forbid, I was to suddenly find that the end of the world had happened and everywhere I went people kept trying to eat me as one of their five a day.
I've spoken to a few friends about this and the responses have varied hugely. I have a pretty gung-ho, ridiculously optimistic attitude, which mainly consists of, ride it out, have some tea and it'll all blow over. Worse comes to worse, go to France and live out the rest of my days on a vineyard. Hell, it won't even take a zombie apocalypse for me to do that, I'm about a month of unemployment away from doing this already.
Others, however, are much more pragmatic. One's attitude, was basic.
"Well if you can't beat them...join them."
It was pointed out that this would, sadly involve a) turning into a zombie, and that unfortunately research has shown there's not really a pain-free way of doing this and also that b) once you've made this traumatic and excruciating transition...you will then largely be spending your time charging about, trying to eat your peers. Sunday mornings spent watching TOWIE and eating Pringles will no longer be an option.
Friend x then revised her views, and announced confidently that she'd be fine. She would cycle to Wales.
I'm putting down that as an option for survival 1: Cycle to Wales
At this moment I'd just like to clarify an important point about what type of zombie I'm imagining my zombie apocalypse will feature. To be brutally honest, 28 days later zombies are like the scariest freaking things ever, so they're out. The Walking Dead ones are also pretty vicious, and nippy, which is not something I'm keen on. So I'm thinking, this is England, we're all pretty slow and casual about how we do shit, and Shaun of the Dead reflects that pretty well. Sure, en mass, they're a pain and if you're Dylan Moran, gutted. (Warning: Gory clip). But, you can also stroll along next to them moaning with an arm sticking out and you're fine. So, I'm electing them.
Ok, so they're pretty slow and a bit dopey. Still, other's aren't keen. I had a long text conversation with my friend H about this and she, frankly, rained all over my "ride it out and it'll blow over" attitude. She did, however, wisely point out that having zombies roaming all over the shop, would be something of a kill joy. Even if you did somehow manage to sit around watching TOWIE and eating Pringles, the fact that at any moment you could be eaten alive would, I suspect be a bit of a dampener. H put things into context with the following anecdote:
"A spider once dropped into my lap when I was on the toilet. I screamed and hit my head. I can only imagine that a zombie attack whilst having a wee is like a bajillion times worse."
Valid point. So, what's the solution? A: Head to an off license and drink.
Think about it though. What do we get like when we're drunk? Stupid, and over confident. Chuck into the mix some flesh eating undead and I can definitely forsee a situation in which I declare my love to a zombie, call it my one, hug it, and it eats me. Gutted.
OR - with this drunken confidence, we track ourselves down some bikes and begin the epic 45 minute (approx) cycle to Wales, singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Either way, I think booze is definitely a pretty good shout.
(Possible) option for survival 2: Booze.
Option number 3: Eat macaroni cheese. Nothing bad can happen to someone eating Macaroni Cheese (disclaimer: this theory has yet to be thoroughly tested).
Other thoughts for how to, not necessarily survive, but perhaps make things a little more bearable include:
- Attempt some stand up comedy - don't let the lack of laughter get you down. Zombies can't laugh - but I'm sure that every snarl / menacing groan is their attempt to.
- Head to a beach. It may look like the zombie in the surf is chasing you down, but equally, they could be frolicking. Also, sandcastles.
- Obvious one: arm yourself. Right now, all I have which could be of any use is a ukulele and a squash racquet. I am however, working on my record collection.
- Make puns. The apocalypse is rife with punning opportunities, chin up, it's not the end of the world, ETC.
Anyway, I have clearly spent far too much time and energy thinking about this. I think I need a good dose of reality to calm my frazzled nerves. Bring on Geordie shore, ha'way!
