HUGH HORSLEY IS DEAD

No doubt from any number of dangerous household items which we continually surround ourselves with. Drawing information from my incredibly reliable source for such statements - which is of course, the Daily Mail - we could potentially get cancer/die a horribly slow death/become mutants overnight if we continue to live with, touch, see or even think about the following items:

Vitamins, Asparin, Bacon, Bras, Calcium, Deoderant, Facebook, Sun cream and obviously, obviously that renowned killer...grapefruit.

This is actually a tiny sample of the real list of everyday dangers which we somehow manage to battle against and occasionally win. Whenever I pick up the Daily Mail for my daily dose of casual racism, homophobia, melodrama and self-righteousness I find myself exhausted by the time I get around to throwing it upon the fire. The constant barrage of "things you shouldn't be doing" leaves me rather feeling like a hobbit in the final lord of the rings battle. Realistically, they don't stand a fucking chance, and yet somehow they manage to make it out.

Surely if we all abandoned our sense of ration which we have been so gloriously endowed with and actually believed what the Daily Mail told us...we'd probably all end up like poor old Hugh Horsley. In other words, we would probably all end up like dried fruit, if we deprived ourselves of silly frivolities such as water, vitamin C and and especially in my case - tea. Complexly tied into this problem as well is the fact that as mobile forms, the internet and presumably using ones vocal cords will also cause ones vital organs to pack it in, if one suspects that imminent death is coming up on the agenda how the hell are we supposed to deal with it? It's not like you could bloody ask someone, that would be dangerous. Consequentially the only solution is to avoid consuming any fluids, solids or oxygen and just hope for the best.

Fear not though, it's not all bad. Granted Hugh was rather an extreme case, and his story I shall dwell upon another time. But right now... well I'd love a cup of tea, cheers.

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For anyone who is wondering: “What is the point of writing so many question marks?” I would like to congratulate and thank you. With such a simple statement you have thus proven yourselves to be members of a worryingly dying breed.

I am of course, referring to the increasingly rare breed of people who have, after years of learning, trials, errors, tears and blind faith…discovered, the question mark.

Many of you might scoff at this contention that there are people who haven’t discovered the question mark but believe me…THEY EXIST. They are real,
I’ve seen them, I can picture them in my head and perhaps worst of all… I have spoken to them. The memories would make me shudder normally, but luckily I am wearing a jumper today so frankly there isn’t much point. For theatrical reasons, however, please just presume that I did just have a ridiculously hyperbolic shudder.

ANYWAY.

Example:

Person A: Hi how’s it going I think we met briefly last week at the pub. What’s your name?

Person B: Person B

A: Ah cool. I’m Person A.

B: Right.

A: So…how’s it going?

B: Yeah good thanks.

A: Have you been up to anything interesting recently?

B: Meh not so much.

A: Did you see that program on TV about window frames?

B: Yeah I did. It was really interesting.

A: I’m gutted I missed it, I was actually out at a gig at the time…

B: Too bad.

(cue mandatory awkward glancing around room for anyone better to talk to.)

NB This gesture is usually accompanied by either the swift consumption of any alcoholic drink to hand or the aggressive demanding of one to subsequently swiftly consume.

B: It reminded me of…………..(this then leads onto a lengthy – one-sided I hasten to add – discussion of person Bs fascinating summer holiday on the Isle of Skye in 1997 when there were many beautiful window frames. BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH.) Somehow person B has transformed into a non-stop tedium MACHINE, and you are stuck talking to them! How, HOW does this happen when they haven’t used a question mark in conversation since the age of 12 when they repeatedly asked their poor demented mother over and over again:

“Can I have a lolly?”

So yes. They exist, and they could be in a pub NEAR YOU.

Unfortunately I have discovered the hard way that there is no clear cut way to avoid these menaces. I personally award myself 5 points every time I ask a question. 5 points in my “you’re a superior human being chart” that is of course.

You could if you are feeling dangerous try and launch a counter attack. That is, give them a taste of their own medicine and only talk to THEM in statements. I advocate using this technique with extreme caution however. You don’t want to dance in the face of temptation for too long and go over to the dark side… There are quite a lot of them out there and maybe some of them found their way there without intending to. They will however, never know. Why? Because they never ask ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS of course.

The beginning of the example was an insight into the other dangerous type of conversationalist. That is those who only talk in statements. They too, are on the loose but I shall save my rant about them for another time.