HUGH HORSLEY IS DEAD

No doubt from any number of dangerous household items which we continually surround ourselves with. Drawing information from my incredibly reliable source for such statements - which is of course, the Daily Mail - we could potentially get cancer/die a horribly slow death/become mutants overnight if we continue to live with, touch, see or even think about the following items:

Vitamins, Asparin, Bacon, Bras, Calcium, Deoderant, Facebook, Sun cream and obviously, obviously that renowned killer...grapefruit.

This is actually a tiny sample of the real list of everyday dangers which we somehow manage to battle against and occasionally win. Whenever I pick up the Daily Mail for my daily dose of casual racism, homophobia, melodrama and self-righteousness I find myself exhausted by the time I get around to throwing it upon the fire. The constant barrage of "things you shouldn't be doing" leaves me rather feeling like a hobbit in the final lord of the rings battle. Realistically, they don't stand a fucking chance, and yet somehow they manage to make it out.

Surely if we all abandoned our sense of ration which we have been so gloriously endowed with and actually believed what the Daily Mail told us...we'd probably all end up like poor old Hugh Horsley. In other words, we would probably all end up like dried fruit, if we deprived ourselves of silly frivolities such as water, vitamin C and and especially in my case - tea. Complexly tied into this problem as well is the fact that as mobile forms, the internet and presumably using ones vocal cords will also cause ones vital organs to pack it in, if one suspects that imminent death is coming up on the agenda how the hell are we supposed to deal with it? It's not like you could bloody ask someone, that would be dangerous. Consequentially the only solution is to avoid consuming any fluids, solids or oxygen and just hope for the best.

Fear not though, it's not all bad. Granted Hugh was rather an extreme case, and his story I shall dwell upon another time. But right now... well I'd love a cup of tea, cheers.