Anyone who has ever been out drinking with me will know that I'm a ranter. I bloody love a good rant. When I'm on my horse though my rants are generally limited to a pretty pathetic repertoire of: a) How much I love the friend/stranger/chair I am ranting at; b) How much I love Fleetwood Mac and c) Convaluted arguments about the Conservatives. Overall though, there's is usually a lot of LUV and occasionally some HAT. Speaking of LUV & HAT please check out one of my favourite blogs. You will LOL, if you don't I may have to punch you in the face, tough luv.
Anyway, I'm getting carried away with the love and the violence, so back to the original purpose behind this post. So it's Sunday morning, and last night I went to watch the Blair Witch Project on a big screen at the Union Chapel in Islington in honour of Halloween. It was a pretty awesome evening, I nearly got into a fight with an old woman there (another story) but aside from that it was sweet. I love horror movies and the Blair Witch is one of the best, it's so well done it's not particularly scary and best of all where pathetic people like me are concerned, it doesn't stay with you afterwards. I mean, if I had just watched the Blair Witch on a Friday night knowing that the following Saturday morning I was heading off to some woods in North America, by myself, without a phone and with a map which was essentially some diagonal lines and a few dots, yes, I think it could then be the kind of film which scares the shit out of you a few days down the line. However, FORTUNATELY, I live in London. I haven't seen a fucking tree in 8 months, let alone a forest. I think I'm going to be ok.
So you see, I love horror movies, I'm a big fan and I've seen a fair few in my time. What I HATE with the fiery passion of Mount DOOM is Halloween. God I loathe it. I hate it so much I'm going to have to go and rock in a darkened room before I can continue writing otherwise I am genuinely running the risk of bursting into hate fuelled flames with my last words being "FUCKOOOHALOOWEEEEEN!!GAAAAH!!!!!!!!". So I'll be back in ten.
I didn't go and rock in a darkened room, I do have better things to do. I made tea. Lovely calming tea.
I find it difficult to put into words why it is I hate Halloween so much. I think it partly stems from a deep rooted misunderstanding. I've never in my life been trick or treating or even met a trick or treater (as in had one knock at my door). Having grown up in the countryside there were:
a) Only 2 other houses to go knocking on
b) Both of whom's occupants had an outlook of "don't open the door after 4pm, that's when the Jehovas come knocking"
So I missed out on that. To be honest though, that doesn't really bother me. And when I was a kiddie it didn't really bother me either. No, what really annoys me about Halloween is the sheer idiocy it brings out in people like no other event/time or year. Last night I saw more independent people dressed as giant fluffy bananas then I thought possible. WHY? WHAT IS THE POINT? If they were some genetically created flesh eating bananas which could strike you down with a potassium overdose at 100 paces I might be able to muster a granule of grudging respect. BUT NO. They were just people who thought to themselves "ha! Bananas! Fluffy! HALOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!"
But worse than them. Then any others in the world in fact, are those people running around screeching "I'M A VAMPIRE LOL!!!!". Highlighting, loudly to me that you are the worst type of irritating moron, doens't make me want to whip out a cape, smear some fake blood over my face, set my face to "deranged" and join in with the screeching. Rather it makes me want to move to Nova Scotia, live in a hut and pray that I'll never have to speak to another human being ever again.
So in conclusion, I have a message to say to Halloween:
Dear Halloween,
Just letting you know that despite everything, I'll be back to hate you again next year. I don't blame you for Twilight. That's your one redeeming feature. Don't take it personally. Jesus, man up.
Love etc,
Horsley
xxx
