Brap! Brap! I hate it when my cereal goes soggy. Brap!

A colleague of mine remarked to me recently that I was born twenty years too late. My brother has frequently told me that he believes that I actually live in a cave, such is my lack of knowledge, or even basic awareness of current music and cultural phenomena.

The main foundings for these statements are because my musical passions lie firmly with Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, The Kinks etc etc and because until recently I thought that "Dance music" was an acceptable term of description for anything remotely "dancey". Hell, I think with that one word I have proven my point. I mean, I can no more distinguish dub step from trip hop than I could determine one lobster from another.

I am however, not alone.

Now I am not the reincarnated spirit of the News of the World, so this blog will not feature naming and shaming, but I will say that a good friend of mine (you know who you are) did once interrupt a conversation about dub step with an apologetic "I'm sorry, but I just don't know who this dub step band are". Much hilarity and pointing and laughing followed this statement, but frankly, I'm just lucky that he said it before I did.

To be honest though, I'm pretty happy chilling in a glorious darkness of oblivion from the current trend of attempting to beat box about how you hate it when you're cereal goes soggy, or...whatever. At least by admitting, quite openly that I have no idea, it does save me a lot of hassle. There is no need to suffer the humiliation of pretending to be up with the latest tune by DJ pancake (again, or...whatever). Nope. It's far easier to play the ignorance card and I can recline happily in my chair of false superiority, with Penny Lane in my ears and in my heart - wonderful.

Diary of an angsty teenager

Day 1
I JUST WANT TO BELONG

Day 2
Maybe I'll join a cult.

Twitter for Fascists

The right to freedom of speech is incredibly important to me. I regularly attend events, seminars and read blogs and articles about protecting our right to free speech and the ways in which it is but a distant dream in too many countries in this world. I spent time working for Britain's leading organisation promoting freedom of expression, and the protection of these liberties was a huge influence factor for me when deciding which party to vote for in the General Election. So, you see, I care, about our right to free speech and freedom of expression.

HOWEVER. There, is one context when I will willingly and happily go full circle upon these values, and lead a horse-led fascist fueled charge in an attempt to SHUT UP the moronic sentiments which are inflicted upon myself, and others through the median of Twitter.

Now, I am aware, that this post will in all likelihood not be without some hypocrisy, so please excuse me. I tweet, and I write this blog and whilst I happen to think that I am the most fascinating person in the world, and that everyone who reads my tweets will be forever gripped in an enthralled state of interest, excitement and hilarity, I have come to accept that this is not always the case. I do like to think though that I will never be annoying enough to cause some random person with too much time on their hands to write a blog post about how they would like to forever ban people from expressing their most boring and inane updates every thirty fucking seconds.

'How can someone be aggravated into such a rage by Twitter posts?' I hear you asking. Don't get me wrong, pointless facebook statuses such as "I just pet my dog lol" also make me want to dive screaming headfirst into the abyss; but the sheer volume of twitter and tweets is far more terrifying.

Below are some examples of some of the tweets which make me want to track down each individual moron, knock on their door and pretend that I think they are brilliant and then actually, punch them very hard in the face.

First, literally, ANYTHING RELATED TO JUSTIN BIEBER. Every one of the tweets below, is real. I don't have the mental capacity to create the kind of spieling which "Beliebers" do. I officially hate that I know what a Belieber is.

RT IF U HAVE NEVER SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT JUSTIN BIEBER!!!

I no longer say "Justin Bieber". I only say "Justin" because my family already know who I'm talking about. #itsabelieberthing

*Call from unknown number.* Normal people: "I’ll just hit ignore." Me: "Maybe it's JUSTIN BIEBER! HELLO?!" #itsabelieberthing

Forget about Paige,forget about Jelena. It doesn't matter,all that matters is supporting that amazing boy named Justin Drew Bieber

So Twitter opens up an wall of white noise of MORONS bleating on about how much they love a high-pitched 14 year old. I mean, Jesus, somebody stop them! Who could stop this the ranks of sane people are calling, ah if only there was a way...

Worse, perhaps than the legions of ordinary morons yakking away, are the hundreds of equally tedious celebrities, who bore us all to tears with the updates of their lives. Apparently celebrities also eat bacon sandwiches. OH MY GOD. WHO KNEW.

Boring celebrity tweets include:

Cool, I'm about to reach 4,400,000 followers!

Hmmmm... Thinking Vegas... Comments..? Who's there? Any EPIC parties? talk to me cadre.... on the runway...

Both of the above are from the walking breathing car crash which is Charlie Sheen. Who is a tosser. I confess, my research for this blog was pretty limited, but you see, I knew that by giving a voice to an idiot such as Charlie Sheen, that I would not be disappointed. I went onto Charlie Sheen's twitter page and approximately 45 seconds later, BOOM, I have written confirmation that the guy is a prat.

And then, in a league of her own, is Elizabeth Hurley who bores the world with such thrilling nuggets of fact about herself such as:

Thank you to Estee Lauder for the bulging bag of goodies sent to my Gossip Girl trailer. Smothered in new product now....

Somebody stop this, for the sanity of the human race. Twitter facism, it makes a lot of sense.