Tales of the mothership

So, a bit of context: When I was 14 my sex education primarily came through Neighbours and the occasional cryptic comment from my parents. Both were horrific.

The mothership once cornered my 19 year old brother and 17 year old self in the kitchen and asked us both whether we "wanted to know about the birds and the bees?" Instead of telling her to bugger off like rational human beings I think we both reacted with screams, yelps and frantic eye darting. Mum however, found the entire situation hilarious, made some horrendous comment about "your father" (which my sub-concious has thankfully, obliterated) and reached once again for her wine glass.

I'll save the time about she asked my poor brother and I to buy weed for her to another time. I have a reputation to uphold, after all.

Interpretation through Twitter, yeah

Twilight

@ladyisavamp

Sex

Is

Wrong

Unlessyouaremarriedtoacrazyobsessiveancientvampirewhosparklesinthesunandnotsosecretlywantstodrinkyourblood

P.S Whoar, have you seen the werewolf?

Rebecca, Daphne Du Maurier

@screwyoudanvers

So it's pretty boring on this island, I'm just chilling with this American bint but she keeps ordering me to do shit like darning. She can fuck right off.

Hello, attractive brooding man with suspected emotionally damaged past has been sighted...time to get my claws into him.

Totally saved him from jumping off a cliff. I AM SO GREAT.

We've eloped, innit. American bint was PISSED. Ha!

Bit creepy in this massive house...I'll just pretend I know what I'm doing, that'll be fine.

Jeez who was this Rebecca chick? She's dead people, MOVE ON. Especially you, Danvers.

This is awkward, might be married to a murderer. THIS ALWAYS HAPPENS TO ME.

Oh wait it's ok, apparently Rebecca was a right bitch. Ha! Shall we elope again?

Laters, SUCKERS! FTW!