The Rumours are true - Fleetwood Mac is the answer

Stop.

Listen to this. A song, from simply one of the best albums ever produced. I never tire of listening to it, and doubt I ever will. It is spectacular.

You see, Fleetwood Mac are the answer. Fleetwood Mac are the connection which is already there but just hasn't come up in conversation yet.

In the grand scheme of things, I'm still very new when it comes to Fleetwood Mac. I discovered them maybe 7 months ago, and it has been brilliant. Fleetwood Mac has opened up a entire world of music to me, and even better it has lead to so many new conversations about music with people with whom you'd usually just be stuck talking about the London-Manchester Virgin train service. BUT NO MORE FOR NOW THERE IS FLEETWOOD MAC.

Rumours is one of those fantastic albums in which the lyrics actually mean something, and something very real for that matter. The lyrics are so personal that just by listening to the songs you feel yours becoming entangled in the band politics.

Fleetwood Mac creates a bond between happy go lucky 70s pop fans and formula one fans.

Fleetwood Mac creates a bond between two human beings with EARS purely through the utter genius of the tracks on Rumours.

I will sign off with two of my favourite tracks from this quite phenomenally good album, and I don't think I need gush anymore. Fleetwood Mac is the answer - just listen for yourself, and enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YEi7GPkxfsE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5eCEdu_gQE&feature=related

How to win the Apprentice: A foolproof guide

I would like to start by saying that although this may be a foolproof guide... it is probably still not "Apprentice candidate" proof, so no doubt the morons will carry on each year. This does mean however, that I will still be able to enjoy the Guardian liveblog which is without a doubt the funniest things about it. The other day I laughed so much and so loudly that I found myself apologising (to my empty flat).

I'm relatively new to the Apprentice. I discovered it when I was in my last year at uni (clearly taking the whole Finals malarky really seriously) - which was the year when the hilarious but occasionally incontinent James and the terrifying "I smash eggs with my EYES" Debra were candidates. They were hilarious, if slightly terrifying. Who can forget James' comment to two male models eating ice creams "Not too much suggestive licking there guys...we're not trying to make a porno." If only, James, if only.

So despite being relatively new, I am still now a pretty committed fan. Although Stuart "field of rampant ponies" Baggs was clearly a hideous human being he was also really funny. I have also learnt a lot. Mainly about how to succeed in business - do the exact opposite of whatever they do is usually a good start, but I also think I have learnt enough that I'm confident I could apply, and I'd probably win.

Nonetheless, I have felt inspired enough to write a short guide on what not to do, for all those hopeful candidates out there.

Rule #1

Don't suck up to Alan.

You don't want to win, you moron. Alan Sugar is a twat who can't even grow a beard properly and constantly berates candidates for being unable to sell wonky chairs and fake sunglasses because when he was a lad that's what he did and now he's really rich and successful and reads the financial times and drives a really big car which destroys the environment but he doesn't care because he's Lord Sir Baron Alan Sugar and he can do what he likes. NO. RUN. RUN AWAY. I COMMAND YOU.

Rule #2

Do not talk about The Apprentice, or Robot club.

Oh wait, sorry getting my entertainment confused here, that's Spaced isn't it? No rule number 2 is NO SMOKING.

Rule #3

Don't try that hard.

Everyone else is going to be giving it at least 137% so I say, chill, kick back on the 37% for a while, you'll go far.

Rule #4

Golden Rule

Do not, WHATEVER YOU DO, have a one to one with the camera just after you've made a deal saying how confident you are feeling about the task and that you personally have just turned it around and won it. No, fool, you have just lost. Jesus buy a fucking dictionary and look up irony and then get off my screen.

Rule #5

Always refer to Karen/Nick/Alan as Margaret.

Hopefully if everyone does it enough times they'll bring her back.

Rule #6

Try and lose.

The "prizes" are always actually poorly disguised punishments for being in the apprentice in the first place. At least if you end up at cafe de fail you'll get tea. And I'd love a cup, cheers.

Rule #7

continuation of 6, but a bit further, try and get fired as soon as possible really. First show would be ideal. You hopefully haven't had that much of an opportunity to make a huge twit out of yourself, you get to meet Dara - who I LOVE - and you're off the British public's radar pretty swiftly. Also, you're saved from ever having to work with Alan Sugar. Phew.

Rule #8

At least try and cut the bullshit.

I don't care if you once played footsie with the Dali Lama, clearly you'll go far, but somethings I maintain are just better if kept quiet.

I've only given this blog about 48% (I'm destined to be amazing when I go on), so can't be bothered to think of more rules.

I think I might apply actually, if only because it means I'll have the opportunity to get absolutely hammered, go into the board room and lunge purposefully at Nick. Yeah mate.

No argument needed, I've won

So I've recently finished six weeks of debating classes, and I thought it was about time I blogged about it.

The final conclusion is... six weeks later I'm still crap. I think I can just resign myself to the bitter reality that debating is something I will never be good at. I can add it to the long list of useful things I wish I could do, like sailing; or forming coherent sentences, or not scaring strangers by asking what their top 5 favourite puddings are. But no.

So my motivation behind starting the whole debating classes was mainly, because I was getting fed up with losing every argument I ever found myself in. My usual technique is to sit by and inwardly seethe but this has lead to such unpleasant occasions as finding myself once sitting next to someone who described chairman Mao as "not such a bad chap actually". To be fair, on that occasion it was better that I just held my tongue as violence would have probably ensured.

So on the occasions when I did allow myself to become entangled in arguments I would inevitably lose. Entangled is definitely the right word too to describe my efforts too. I'm going to be really geeky (for once, HO HO) and reference Lord of the Rings... you know when Frodo and Sam are playing hide and seek or some shit in the giant cave with the fuck off spider (which scares the living daylights out of me) and Frodo gets tangled up in the web (stupid sod) and he's stuck and it's all uber traumatic and tense? Well, the analogy I am (eventually) getting to is that Frodo is stuck and helpless and he has no idea how he got there. Which is exactly what happens to me when I argue. Obviously I mean without the giant spider with murderous intentions and a hobbit, but you get my drift. A BLOODY MESS basically.

Also, to summarise, here is an image of what I've been banging on about:

I allow my emotions and my tongue to argue before I even BOTHER to attempt and engage my brain, and this happens EVERY TIME. So I'll try and make a sound (aka, counter-argument) and all that come out is "GNAAAARRRRGGGHHH.... NO!" which, in the grand scheme of things... is pretty rubbish as far as replies go. This then pisses me off, and I will probably end up crying or calling my opponent a horrible person who I will hate forever. I should clarify though, this is generally only the case with relatives - with friends I'll just harbour some casual resentment and then inevitably get distracted by something shiny and the whole debacle is forgotten. As far as debating and discussion go, I'm officially shite. Hence why I signed up for debating classes - I was going through a scary phase of 'Actioning' stuff, thankfully it didn't last very long.

So the debating classes were pretty hilarious. I'm fairly sure they weren't meant to be, but they were. There were some absolute comedy characters who made it a really fun experience. My stand out personal favourite has to be Rosa, who is Spanish. That's pretty much all I (or anyone else in the class) knows, as you literally couldn't understand a word she said. Which can make for an interesting debate. Believe me.

Next in my failed attempts at personal development: Watching more Lord of the Rings so I can remember the name of the giant spider. WIN.