How to win the Apprentice: A foolproof guide

I would like to start by saying that although this may be a foolproof guide... it is probably still not "Apprentice candidate" proof, so no doubt the morons will carry on each year. This does mean however, that I will still be able to enjoy the Guardian liveblog which is without a doubt the funniest things about it. The other day I laughed so much and so loudly that I found myself apologising (to my empty flat).

I'm relatively new to the Apprentice. I discovered it when I was in my last year at uni (clearly taking the whole Finals malarky really seriously) - which was the year when the hilarious but occasionally incontinent James and the terrifying "I smash eggs with my EYES" Debra were candidates. They were hilarious, if slightly terrifying. Who can forget James' comment to two male models eating ice creams "Not too much suggestive licking there guys...we're not trying to make a porno." If only, James, if only.

So despite being relatively new, I am still now a pretty committed fan. Although Stuart "field of rampant ponies" Baggs was clearly a hideous human being he was also really funny. I have also learnt a lot. Mainly about how to succeed in business - do the exact opposite of whatever they do is usually a good start, but I also think I have learnt enough that I'm confident I could apply, and I'd probably win.

Nonetheless, I have felt inspired enough to write a short guide on what not to do, for all those hopeful candidates out there.

Rule #1

Don't suck up to Alan.

You don't want to win, you moron. Alan Sugar is a twat who can't even grow a beard properly and constantly berates candidates for being unable to sell wonky chairs and fake sunglasses because when he was a lad that's what he did and now he's really rich and successful and reads the financial times and drives a really big car which destroys the environment but he doesn't care because he's Lord Sir Baron Alan Sugar and he can do what he likes. NO. RUN. RUN AWAY. I COMMAND YOU.

Rule #2

Do not talk about The Apprentice, or Robot club.

Oh wait, sorry getting my entertainment confused here, that's Spaced isn't it? No rule number 2 is NO SMOKING.

Rule #3

Don't try that hard.

Everyone else is going to be giving it at least 137% so I say, chill, kick back on the 37% for a while, you'll go far.

Rule #4

Golden Rule

Do not, WHATEVER YOU DO, have a one to one with the camera just after you've made a deal saying how confident you are feeling about the task and that you personally have just turned it around and won it. No, fool, you have just lost. Jesus buy a fucking dictionary and look up irony and then get off my screen.

Rule #5

Always refer to Karen/Nick/Alan as Margaret.

Hopefully if everyone does it enough times they'll bring her back.

Rule #6

Try and lose.

The "prizes" are always actually poorly disguised punishments for being in the apprentice in the first place. At least if you end up at cafe de fail you'll get tea. And I'd love a cup, cheers.

Rule #7

continuation of 6, but a bit further, try and get fired as soon as possible really. First show would be ideal. You hopefully haven't had that much of an opportunity to make a huge twit out of yourself, you get to meet Dara - who I LOVE - and you're off the British public's radar pretty swiftly. Also, you're saved from ever having to work with Alan Sugar. Phew.

Rule #8

At least try and cut the bullshit.

I don't care if you once played footsie with the Dali Lama, clearly you'll go far, but somethings I maintain are just better if kept quiet.

I've only given this blog about 48% (I'm destined to be amazing when I go on), so can't be bothered to think of more rules.

I think I might apply actually, if only because it means I'll have the opportunity to get absolutely hammered, go into the board room and lunge purposefully at Nick. Yeah mate.