50 Shades of Grey: The review

So like the rest of the oestrogen populated population I decided to buy into the whole 50 shades of grey phenomenon to see what the fuss was about. I'd heard a variety of different things such as:

Twilight with sex
So much shagging it has caused a baby boom
It is igniting the spark in marriages up and down the country
Self published
Kinky.

What's not to like? I mean, I hate Twilight with a heat hotter than the very pit of hell itself. I've actually banned from watching it in company because I just can't contain my sarcasm/burning hatred and as funny as my comments may be (I think) apparently they can ruin the "experience" for others. I did try and read the books, I once found myself stranded with nothing to read except the blasted thing and despite most of my time being taken up marvelling in the fact that the situation I was in WAS my very own personal hell, I did eventually give it a bash. I'd say I made it about 5 pages in before I found my eyes being drawn to the drying paint on the wall next to me and that was it. It was so much more gripping I just couldn't bring myself to force myself to carry on reading about the trials and tribulations of the most boring character ever created.

You see, Anastasia Steele (fucking idiot extraordinaire) and protagonist of 50 shades of grey isn't boring. Well, actually she is, she is very boring, but what overshadows this characteristic is how overwhelming, blood boiling annoying she is.

Imagine the other most annoying person in the world: The Go Compare Tenor dude (big shout out to Sue Barker for taking him out, ledge). I would happily spend the rest of my life with him, marry him, have little singing children and spend Sundays harassing people who are washing their cars with him, husband and life partner rather than even share a fucking tube carriage with Anastasia Steele.

As far as I was concerned, one of the main selling points of 50 Shades is the sex which from what I'd heard was literally all there was, with the plot essentially being "how much sex can two people have in 400 pages". Imagine my disappointment then when I had to trawl through half of the first book before anything happened. One friend of hers called "Jose" does lunge at her (kudos Jose, who doesn't love a lunge) and she rebuffs him as if he'd just come at her with a syringe of heroin. Poor Jose. That's pretty much the most exciting thing which happens for approx THREE HUNDRED PAGES. The rest of this is filled with different adjectives for "hot". Christian Grey is apparently "frighteningly good looking" you see, so this needs a lot of emphasis. Clearly written on the presumption that the reader is as stupid as the protagonist everything is written convincingly in the style of a moron. Here is an example:

"I decided to get into my car and go for a drive. A car is a mechanical vehicle which can take you to where you need to go faster than walking or a segway. I only ever drive mine at the recommended speed limit of 40mph though. I care about the dolphins and don't want to pollute their water."

This is admittedly, a mild diversion from the text BUT THERE ARE TIME THAT IT FEELS JUST LIKE THAT. i.e torturous. 

Anyway, eventually she meets Christian Grey, who is all tortured and spends vast sections of dialogue stopping mid sentence to gaze off into space and look all intense and thoughtful. It becomes very evident that he is clearly just killing time before he can pounce and shag her again and that "gazing into the distance" is actually just a move so that he can ensure enough time has passed and it is socially acceptable for him to try and jump her.

The very worst experience I've had relating to 50 shades was not actually related to the reading. Rather (shamefully)... it was related to the listening. Yes, I've listened to the audiobook of 50 shades of grey. I hasten to add that I wasn't the one which bought it. One of my good friends (mentioning no names but she's quite the big name...) did, on her father's credit card no less. That's going to be an entertaining morning when her Dad receives that statement. £17.99 spent on Fifty Shades of Grey, the audiobook. ALL SEVENTEEN HOURS OF IT.

Seventeen hours. We had a total of approximately 16 hours of driving in total and I'd say we powered through about 6 hours of it before I literally had to stop the car and say "Turnitoffturnitoffturnitoff -breath- ImgoingtohurtsomeoneifIhavetolistentoanymoreofthis".

Don't get me wrong, it was entertaining at least - mainly I'd say because we were mocking ruthlessly throughout but the woman reading it did not have a voice which inspired you to keep reading. If anything, the fact that we powered through so much of this monotonous droning detritus is actually a credit to us. Well done team! What actually finished me off in the end was the e-mails. Anastasia and Mr Grey e-mail. Which in itself is impressive given that she is so dense I honestly wonder how she can string two words together let alone spell and compose sentences. Anyway, intelligent enough both of them may be to able to write e-mails and the such like, but neither of them have been able to master basic e-mailing.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but my e-mails tend to be something similar to the following:

From: Anna Horsley
To: Friend A
Subject: Friday night

Hello Friend A,
Free for drinks on Friday night?
H

From: Friend A
To: Anna Horsley
Subject: RE: Friday night

Yes I am.


From: Anna Horsley
To: Friend A
Subject: Re: Re: Friday night
Great!
H

Admittedly it's pretty boring. Yes, I know, Jesus not all of us are "trendy and hip". But it's better than this:

From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Safe arrival?
To: Christian grey

Dear Sir,
Please let me know that you have arrived blah blah blah

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Sorry
To: Anastasia Steele

(paraphrasing) Yes I have arrived sorry for not letting you know. I am a bad, bad man. yak yak yak etc

From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: The Situation
To: Christian grey

From: Christian Grey
Subject: Pleading the Fifth
To: Anastasia Steele

From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Pleading insanity
To: Christian grey

I could write an entire BOOK about how stupid an annoying it is to change the fucking subject of each e-mail. What is the point? Surely they'll figure out the bloody subject by reading the e-mail?! What is wrong with hitting reply like everyone else using e-mail on the planet? I nearly drove off the road at various points I was so cross at this.

I have somehow ended up with the other 2 books of this bloody trilogy. I just don't think I will ever muster the energy to read it, I genuinely feel like every page kills more of my already preciously limited brain cells. If I run out of paint to watch dry though - rest assured... you'll hear my thoughts about it.

Signing off,
H