Harry Potter quizzes. The secret nightmare.

I am in the midst of an identity crisis. I have spent many hours staring into the distance, feeling the wind whip across my face and getting blurry eyed all the time thinking... “Who am I?”.

This is, I hasten to add not because of any deeper spiritual or existential crisis. Although I maintain that existential crises and small talk are the only two things I’m actually any good at in life (they help each other out, you see), this has actually all been spurred on by something much more mundane. And that would be Harry Potter.

I have a tendency to spend all my time focussing on one thing at a time, it will dominate my thoughts, my dreams and my chat. This tendency is part of the reason I have to restrict myself when watching zombie related tv/films, because I will become a twitching mess who only wants to talk about the zombie apocalypse and doesn’t even care that The Great British Bake Off is on and that Paul Hollywood has trimmed his beard. Pretty frightening times. So whilst I am now at a stage where I know my limits when it comes to, say zombies, it turns out I do not know them when it comes to Harry Potter.

Part of the reason this is though is because it’s all been a rather subconscious process. I happened to watch a few of the Harry Potter films which were being shown over Christmas and then I happened to do a lot of driving where I like to pretend to be nodding and tapping along to some new band on Radio 1, just like I’m down with the kids when obviously I’m actually just listening to Harry Potter on audiobook. Which are awesome. So, it’s not like I was actively focussing on HP all the time, I’ve not felt compelled to re-read the books - life is too short to inflict that many capital letters upon oneself – and yet I still found it creeping into my thoughts.

And so I started to ask my friends. Big shout out to my friends (hey there), they put up with a lot of questions from me. I’m pretty keen on questions. I met a pregnant woman in the kitchen of the office the other day and I fired questions at her for about 15 minutes. I think she was almost on the verge of faking labour just to escape the barrage. She was new to it though. My friends however, well they know what to expect. I think I mainly targeted the lot which had gone through the first round of “what would you do in the zombie apocalypse” last time, so they were well prepped for round two.

Round two was, which Hogwarts house would you be in?

If you don’t read/watch/have any interest in Harry Potter and if Hogwarts sounds like something I really shouldn’t be talking about publically, then just stop reading now because the rest of this post is likely to either bore you or scar you. Possibly both. Take it from me, the author of this – quit whilst you’re ahead. Life is too short.

For all others (hey there, future me), lets continue.

So turns out the majority – I’d say approx. 75-85% of my friends thought they would be in Slytherin. Straight off the bat, no hesitations, most replied with variations on “um, probably Slytherin, if I’m honest”. They would then usually slack the living shit out of all of the other houses with particular emphasis on Hufflepuff.

I’d like to take this opportunity now to state that I am unequivocally, a Hufflepuff. Not by choice, mind. Not by some kind of “oh well, you know, I think I’m a good all rounder so probably Hufflepuff”, no none of that. I am firmly in the category of OTHER. Think about it, what is Hufflepuff’s defining feature? I think most people think that it'“nice”. Nice. Which is, the worst adjective there is. But really, I think it's actually just not having quite enough of the other substances/fiber to truly belong in any of the other house.

So I resigned myself to being a Hufflepuff, fine, whatever. As long as no one can take away my patronus from being a Honey Badger, I’m not that bothered. But then a small voice of protest started to nag away at me. And I thought, you know, I've called myself a Hufflepuff, but that’s not to say that it’s definitely the truth. Why have I resigned myself to a house which is made up of the words “huff” and “puff” when I haven’t even asked THE INTERNET. How can I truly call myself a Hufflepuff if I haven’t asked THE INTERNET? Ridiculous. So I did. I asked the Internet. And this is where things started to get complex.

Initially it all seemed pretty straight forward, first couple of quizzes were all “Hufflepuff, gutted” but I wasn't sure about them. I mean, some of the questions went along the lines of:

Q: You find £20 next to a stray cat in the street, do you:

a) Pocket the money

b) BURN THE MONEY

c) Give the money to the cat and call the RSPCA

d)  Use the money to set up a small cat foster home, which you invest all of your life savings into and ensure that all present and future cats can live in a safe, free, democratic society. Forever.

They were pretty weird and I wasn't taking their answers as the be all and end all. So I tracked down, the ultimate quiz. This bad boy was like 120 questions long. It took me about 3 years to complete start to finish, it was intense. I thought to myself, whatever the outcome, this is thorough, I can trust it. Yep, no real surprises there when I got Hufflepuff.

Should have just left it there – one of my friends was determined to find “notable Hufflepuffs” aside from Cedric Diggory. A couple of hours later she texted me back talking about “the one which went out with Harry Potter for a bit”. That would be Cho Chang, a Ravenclaw. Brilliant.

However, all is not lost. I thought to myself, I’ll do one more. I’ll do one more reputable one. A BUZZFEED QUIZ. That’s like the one quiz to rule them all and in the darkness bind them or something. Well, imagine my surprise when I got Slytherin! Apparently I don’t give a shit about anyone else and I’m always “leader of the pack”. Well I’m really not so sure about that. I listened to Leader of the Pack when I was about 14 and vowed to myself never to put myself in such danger as to be a leader. Lurking at the back making unhelpful comments, that’s me! Which is perhaps more in line with the “Harry Potter character” quiz I subsequently did, when I got Ron Weasley!

That one was even meaner, it told me that I had the emotional range of a teaspoon. I didn't really know how to feel about that, but then I suppose that’s to be expected.

So there you have it, I’m in a daze of Hufflepuff/Slytherin/Ron Weasley confusion. I really wish I had followed in my Dad’s footsteps more. I asked him which house he would be in and he laughed and replied:

“Well, obviously Gryffindor.”

Even my response of MASSIVE CLAIM bounced off him in his happiness at his decision. Admirable, really.

Anyway, I would just like to finish that I have been on a small journey of self discovery throughout this post and I've realised that maybe it’s not actually Harry Potter that I've been focusing on…but quizzes. Shiiiit. Further proof to this - I recently did a Mean Girls character quiz and came out as Karen Smith. You know, the one who doesn't know how to spell ‘orange’? Well according to the internet again, it’s basically a small miracle that I managed to complete a quiz at all. Well done me! So for writing a blog post about Harry Potter I surely should be on track for some kind of special achievement award/recognition/ceremony. Going to stay quietly confident about that one.