KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

On Sunday, I ran a half-marathon. Well, run is perhaps a slight overstatement. Certainly I ran the first 10 miles I would have said, but by the final 3 I had faithfully departed from my "slightly faster than walking" pace to... well it was probably slightly slower than walking to be honest. But, it was still a "run" - as my brother kindly remarked to me as he strolled along next to me for the final mile "one of your feet is off the ground at any one time - technically you're still running." I shall cling to that statement.

I have been tempted to blog some of my running experiences before this but was concerned that I would not be able to complete the marathon I was training for and then every time I glanced back at my previous posts I would be shamed by the irony. I did not want to tempt fate, so to speak. Now, however, I can blog away, hurrah!

It has not been at easy past few months. Ever since I rashly signed up under the mis-construction that it would be "fun" I have had moments of utter panic. Most of these occurred when I first started running. Only to discover, that I couldn't run. Well not for very long at least, a mile would have my life flashing before my eyes and forcing myself to restrain from flagging passing motorists down and begging them for a lift.

"Shit", was what went through my mind the majority of the time. How the bloody hell am I going to run 13.1 miles if 1.5 is a challenge. Fortunately, I am incredibly optimistic, and would calm my frantic nerves with the reassurance that I could always either a) just not turn up on the day and blame the traffic, b) fake injury c) run (no pun intended) away.

After that it was a matter of swallowing my pride and resigning myself to the fact that no matter what, I was going to look like a tit. I have had my fair share of humiliation. There was the time I was a mile into a 7 mile run and it started pissing it down - literally people were driving past me, laughing. Or the time I got a bit carried away listening to Tina Turner and found myself skipping and jumping erratically in the road; or, a personal favourite, when I inadvertently yelled "JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MOTHER OF GOD" at a cyclist who had cycled past me suddenly giving me the fright of my life. All character building stuff. I have, of course suffered numerous other humiliations and embarrassments but I shall keep them for whenever someone needs cheering up.

The title of this blog may seem utterly irrelevant but it is fundamental to my success. When running for a long time - and indeed, on marathon day - I frequently needed boosters to help me going. Sometimes Tina just didn't quite cut it. One of the techniques I employed was to make little jokes as I went along - if I ran past some sheep I would shout "hello ewe!" and chortle away, or try and list all the Jilly Cooper characters (never got very far) but my favourite was to give myself a firm talking to and to remind myself to remember to "KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON!"

Too right, love.