Bridget's Cousin

I’ve titled this post “Bridget’s cousin” because I identify so much with the great Bridget Jones. I’m like Bridget Jones…only with less than half the success rate in everything I do. Maybe it’s down to my flirting…allow me to elaborate. I'm not good at flirting. I'm not a 'flirt'. I've never, ever purred seductively or whispered huskily. I've read a ton of trashy novels which have only helped to cement this opinion. Whilst fictional India may well be able to seduce fictional Ivan in a vowel like heaven with a bat of her eyelids, I cannot. Believe me, I've tried. I've tried...and I've failed.

Such is the extent of my inability to flirt that it reaches past the usual median of face to face conversation and wrecks my chances even when attempts are made through indirect communication. I am of course referring to texting and text flirting.

I've recently been engaging (or attempting to engage is probably a more accurate description) in some light-hearted “text flirting”. I'm officially crap at it, it's really not one of my talents and I'll be the first to admit it. I've recently looked back through some of my past outpourings and can't think of an occasion where I've cringed more. 

Yes, I know, everyone is terrible when they booze and text. No one is safe from humiliating themselves when alcohol is involved. I just seem to take it to a whole new level. Whilst recently engaging with some mild flirtation I somehow managed to deftly move the conversation away from anything remotely promising...and focus it upon politics. Then in a typically cack-handed attempt to bring it back around to something slightly more promising...ended a text with something along the lines of "anyway, I'm going to be voting Green next time! I like Green! My eyes are green...haha!"

I’m just going to allow this to sink in before I say…

WHAT. WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???? That's just a statement of FACT. It's like I'm filling in a driving license or applying for an identity card. That's the best I can do? How was the poor bastard even supposed to respond to that? "Green eyes turn me on etc etc" No. Because I'd think he was a freak and would never text him again. He clearly thought I was borderline insane as well, as wisely he didn't reply. Another one bites the dust. 

A friend of mine recently told me that when she was once engaging in the dizzy all consuming passion of romance, it was before mobile phones had yet to be invented...so her and her boyfriend were reduced to sending impassioned and seductive messages to each ones respective pager.

Does anyone remember pagers? I had one for a while, fuck knows why. The only messages I'd ever get were from my mum saying things like "You left your pencil case at home. LOL". (NB LOL in this instance I interpreted as "Lots of love" rather than, "you left your pencil case at home, lol fool." At least I hope my mother wasn't laughing at me, I'm not sure how savvy she is when it comes to "TXT SPK".

Anyway with pagers, you had to call up an operator, aka another human being and effectively dictate your message to them. They would then read it back to you, you'd grunt and it would be off into the electronic ether. CAN YOU IMAGINE, effectively calling up a total stranger and having to be all "Hello, yes, I'd like to send a page please...Ummm, I totally love you babez and wish you were here lol" or whatever the usual drivel is. Jesus I'm so glad I never endured anything like that. I hardly ever used my pager, I used to get my kicks from calling up the speaking clock and swearing at it before hanging up as fast as I could. They were pretty crazy days, I'll tell you. Maybe I should stick to communicating with the talking clock in future. At least there are limited chances of me humiliating myself? I can just foresee the chat:

"So whatcha up to tonight..?"

"The time now is 14:00 hours"

"Filthy"

Time to buy a cat. 

Seriously though...

So I rarely blog about anything serious, or venture any form of opinion which veers too far away from vague enough to go unnoticed (on this blog).

However, today I am making an exception to the rule.

My motivations for venturing into such wild and unchartered territory have been prompted because of a significant shift in my political standpoint. I recently tore up and defiled my membership card to the Tory party and have written a letter in response to their request for renewal expressing my opinions, and I wanted to share them on this blog.

This will be frustratingly inarticualte, confused and reassuringly vague. If you don't like it, I suggest clicking on your back browser. VIVA FREE SPEECH.

So, my motivations for this shift are as follows:

Well the straw(s) which broke the camels back were the proposed charity tax (see http://giveitbackgeorge.org/) and that the government is threatening to read our e-mails. That really pissed me off. Freedom of speech and the right to privacy are incredibly important to me (stemmed from my time spent working at a freedom of expression organisation Index on Censorship). And these basic principles and freedoms are also core ideologies of Liberalism and Conservatism. I always think of myself as more of a Libertarian than a Conservative, so this threat to freedom did not sit well to me. It's also a case of barefaced hypocrisy on behalf of the Coalition, going against both of their ideologies.


The Charity Tax is just another example of a poor budget. A budget which hasn't been thought through and has shown not a glimmer of consideration for actual people living in Britain. I find the so-called 'Granny Tax' a shameful scapegoating of older generations and the charity tax is just unbelievable.What's even more frustrating is just the arrogance to totally ignore the outcrys of so many organisations and philanthropists. Speaking of badly thought though and terribly executed brings me onto the cuts.

Now, initially I didn't overly disagree with the cuts, I agreed that they needed to happen and that it was going to be brutal. What I don't agree with is how quickly and deeply they have been made. I have witnessed the charity sector be frankly savaged by the cuts, and I can't support that. Don't talk to me about Big Society when the government is evidently doing everything it can to leave this Big Society wheezing, crippled, in a field facing the wrong direction.

My ranting has predominantly been inspired by the backlash from the terrible results in the local election. I doubt anyone was particularly surprised, apart from maybe the Penguin in Scotland to have received more votes than the Lib Dem candidate. But what I've been left feeling, surprising though it may be is thank god for the Lib Dems. Yes, they have been repeatedly publicly humiliated and personally I wonder if they'll even get enough votes to warrant being a party when the next election comes...BUT the thought of them not being there, frankly, terrifies me. I don't think they're given enough credit for what they're doing behind the scenes, ie hauling the Tories back to somewhere vaguely respectable this side of being "downright fascist". As an (ex) card carrying member of the Tory party, I shouldn't be left feeling so deeply concerned by the prospect of a single-party governemnt. But the damage which has already been done, not to mention the backbench backlash following the local elections has only confirmed my fears.

I genuinely despise the fact that the first thing the backbenchers call upon Cameron to start backing down upon is gay rights and gay marriage. It's just beyond my comprehension. Britain should be leading the way in terms of equal rights - given how appalling some of the oppressions in other parts of Europe are, the back benchers shouldn't have the clout to beat progress back with a (literal and metaphorical) right hook.

Finally, the sleaze. The sleaze and u-turns have plagued this government from the very beginning. Andy Coulson, Jeremy Hunt, cosy dinners with the Murdochs and Rebecca Brooks...it just goes on and on. The results of the Leveson enquiry will make more gripping reading. Maybe Cameron will eventually get around to having a "little chat" with Jeremy Hunt. Something along the lines of "Sorry Jerrers, times up old boy". I'm keeping my fingers firmly crossed on this one.

So, there you have it. I know I haven't comprehensively explained myself but I hope that it resonates that there have just been too many issues for me to deal with. Next blog will be cheerier, I hope.

Signing off,
H